The Blaming Game

I don’t know if relationships are meant to be complicated. I don’t know if it’s meant to be hard or easy. I don’t think I know much about being in a relationship and in exactly a week from today I am entering my first longest relationship. Everyday I wonder how I managed to keep it this long. How I got my way into committing myself to someone that might not even feel the same way about me anymore.

He never stopped winning me over. He kept trying and trying and trying to prove to me that he actually cared and that he actually loves me. He used to love me, he used to give me everything I ever wanted. He still does but I just don’t know if it’s the same. I know that things aren’t the same and it will never be. I managed to screw up the relationship I value so much. But as day passes through I also realized that I gotta stop blaming myself because if he truly cares he wouldn’t stop the things he used to do. Maybe I’m just paranoid. Maybe I’m not.

Everyday I try not to think about it, everyday I try not to over-think things. But the more I ignore what I’m feeling the more it hurts when it actually hits me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what else is there for me to hold on to.

Betrayal of Hearts

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Wish I could tell myself to stop feeling the way I am feeling right now. But I can’t. The minute I try my feelings increase. It’s unfair because to him it’s easy. When he tries he succeeds. Why can’t that happen to me? Is it because I have given my all and not left anything for myself? At times, I feel happy but there are times where I feel crushed and destroyed and no one else can fix me but him. I want to try fixing myself and putting myself back together but I can’t. It seems like it’s the hardest thing to do.

When things seems like they are getting back on track; realization slaps me in the face and make me realize how much of an idiot I look like. It’s like I’m not allowed to be happy at all. I don’t know what else to do, I don’t know if I should just give up on the only thing I want so bad. I’m not much of an idiot to realize that he doesn’t really want me as much as I want him. He doesn’t say it but I know it. Or maybe I’m just over thinking things like always. But I think if someone else is in my shoes they’d do the same.

To me, things are always complicated. I don’t know when to be happy and when to be sad. I don’t know when to feel vulnerable and needy and I don’t know when to feel satisfied with everything that is going on. Because right now my life has gotten to the point where it seems like someone picked me up and shook me so hard that things are just mixed up and it’ll take so much time to bring it back to how it used to be.

Being a Girl

Most girls experience moments where they get so clingy and needy and too attached. I honestly do not know if that should be a good thing or a bad thing. But I guess it doesn’t matter. Because girls are girls. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s like a natural thing to feel. But I guess the worst part is having someone to love but that person doesn’t even “go along” when that moment hits.

To me, having these moments kinda sucks. Some girls expects guys to read their minds but really guys ain’t mind readers. It sucks because when these moments comes to life, girls tend to feel like they are annoying that person. They are afraid that guys might get fed up with being that way.

Worst feeling ever! All I wanna do when I get emotional is be with the person I love without feeling like I’m annoying him. I want him to need me as much as I am needing him. I wish I could say it through words but I am too coward to do it. I have lost my ability to combine words to express how I really feel; instead I expect him to read my mind and make everything feel better. But like I said guys ain’t mind readers. I wish they are cause it’ll make things so much easier or I wish these moments doesn’t just come and go. It’s so hard to explain these emotions in terms that men understands. I hate feeling like crap when things are obviously okay. Why? Because feeling like this make things shitty and when things turn shitty; it turns into an argument. Which again, sucks!

There is more to being a girl than just high heels and make up. Girls gotta learn how to control their sudden change of emotions that makes them feel awful about themselves. Maybe it doesn’t show but it is an awful feeling. It’s not like they are asking men to understand, but I’m pretty sure all they want is for men to treat them a little better when these emotions start to kick in.

Life After Love

Being in a relationship can be sentimental to some people. Having someone that cares you can be the best feeling in the world. But if this relationship ends, it seems like your world just ended and getting over a broken relationship is not as easy as everyone thinks. It takes a lot of courage and acceptance to be able to be back on your feet again. It may take a lot of time for things to go back to normal but doing things that would benefit you will bring you back on track. However, other than courage and acceptance, there are more things you can do to be able to get over a broken relationship.
First, make time for yourself. Give yourself some alone time and think about doing something that would benefit you, think about something that would make you happy or that would make you forget about the situation or just cry it all out. Enable yourself to release all the emotions that you are feeling. Because sometimes, expressing your emotions instead of keeping it bottled up will make things a little better. Don’t be afraid of showing your side of weakness. Expressing your emotions doesn’t always mean that you are weak. Sometimes, this just means that you are strong enough to let all those emotions out and that you are allowing yourself to move on. Keeping things bottled up will not help the situation instead, it will just make things harder.
Second, allow yourself to gain a little bit of courage to accept the fact that your relationship is over, but also think about the fact that better things will come along in time. Don’t be afraid to ask yourself questions like; “is everything going to be okay?” or “Am I going to be okay if I try moving on?” Because it will. Maybe not today, but at some point it will get better. During this time, it is normal to feel confused. You will always be torn between two pieces; the part that wants to hold on and the part that wants to finally let go. It takes a lot of courage to choose between the two. If you chose the part that wants to hold on it seems like it is harder because the more you hold on, the more it will hurt you because you are holding onto something that will never work. But it takes more courage to choose the part where you have to let go. Letting go of someone you cared about so much is not easy and that’s where you will need your courage. You have to trust and convince yourself that there are times that things will not go the way you want them to go.
After giving yourself an alone time, it is time for you to call some of your friends. Having someone to be there for you is the best feeling after being alone. This means you are ready to lift your chin up and start over. Make sure these friends are capable of cheering you up or are willing to listen on how you are actually feeling. If you don’t want to talk about the break up, make sure these friends are capable of keeping your mind off about being in a relationship. Then after calling some friends up, it is time for you to treat yourself. Do a makeover. Try giving yourself a new look that would allow you to start fresh and forget about the past. Feel good about yourself. Don’t let the past hold you back. Always remember that you let go for a reason and you moved on for a reason.
Lastly, get back out there. Getting back out there means you have applied the courage you needed and have accepted the fact that your relationship is over. It may take a while for you to be able to get over a broken relationship, but don’t let this be a reason for you to stop giving yourself a chance to find someone better or to enjoy yourself. Taking things slow will give you more time to enjoy every little things that are being offered to you. You have more chances of experiencing things you haven’t experienced before. Don’t be afraid to try something new because it is only the beginning. It is a new beginning of a new journey you are about to take. Don’t worry about being alone when starting this new journey, but think about meeting new kinds of people and the fun you are about to take part. Because getting back out there doesn’t always mean that you have to be in a relationship right away. Sometimes, it is an opportunity for you to have fun and enjoy your life without depending on someone.
In conclusion, keeping a relationship is not as easy as being in one. Sometimes, it’s just meant to break and getting over a broken relationship is not easy. Although, there are a lot of ways to slowly get over it. But being able to accomplish your goal to finally move on, you have to have a lot of courage to keep yourself together to be able to accept the fact that sometimes things don’t come as easy as they seem. But if you allow yourself to finally let go and move on, time will work itself. Learn to trust yourself, be patient and things are going to be better.

Emotional Heartbreak

I have no reason to be sad or mad or upset… or anything. But I do. I feel mad and confused. What’s worst? is that I feel so heart-broken; for no reason. Well, there is a reason. But I can’t seem to figure out. Feeling what I’m feeling right now is driving me crazy. I really want to figure out what seem to be the problem but every time I do, it just makes me want to cry. I try to be angry… but I can’t. My anger is replaced by heartbreak.

Lately, things have been “sort of” okay. But really, it’s not. Who am I kidding! Why do I even try. Things are NEVER going to be okay; like ever! Might as well just go with the flow. But the more I “go with the flow” the more I hurt and the more I get confused. Why am I letting this happen to myself. When can I finally say “fuck it” and walk away and never look back? I’m afraid that I might regret doing it. But I want to do it just to see if he cares enough to hold me back, to fight for me… like I did for him. I want to be so angry at him, I want to tell him how I really feel but I can’t. I guess right now time will tell how long this thing will last. I have ran out of everything. I gave it my all and I still got nothing in return. I tried so hard but right now it’s time for me to walk away, it’s time for me to let go of the thing that is hurting me everyday. As much as I can’t imagine a day without him; it’s that time where I have to. Things aren’t working so well anymore, we’ve lost the spark we’d had before and as for how things are looking up right now, it doesn’t seem like it’s ever coming back. It’s time for the both of us to move on. All we’ve been doing is hurt each other and I can’t take it any longer. I’m tired of hoping and thinking that things will be okay, that I will be okay. I want it all gone. The problem is; I love him too much that I can’t let him go, I can’t let myself walk away cause I know I’ll always look back.

Unexpected Desire

Most relationship begins unexpectedly. Things just happen. Even though we try so hard planning for the future, there are so many unexpected things on the way. Some may go but some will stay. Even the most perfect relationship go through a lot of trouble. It’s like a test if you really belong together. The worst part about that test is; sometimes, you don’t know if whether you should stay or not.

To me, when starting a relationship, all you could think about is how “perfect” things are, how happy and magical you feel. We all get so giddy and child-like. Sometimes, we tend to do the sappiest things, we tend to think everything is cute, we tend to think how perfect the situation is. I don’t know about most of you… but to me, we tend to change over the course of our relationship (I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before). Good changes… bad changes. As the relationship deepens, we get so comfortable. We get so comfortable that the things that used to be “new” is now something “you’re used to”. It’s like a routine. Sometimes, it’s healthy, sometimes, it’s not. Call me crazy, but I’m sure that there are times where you wish you weren’t in a relationship, or you wish that it ends or you wish you have the courage to let go… I guess feeling this way is normal. But as a person, it’s always up to you to decide. Worst part? you get torn between your mind and heart deciding. You don’t know which one to listen to.

For as long as I lived, I’ve never been in a long run relationship. I’ve always wanted to have one but I never got the chance to have one. Cause it’s either; I get tired/bored of it… or it just doesn’t seem right anymore. But thank God, I am finally in a long run relationship. Sounds lame but the relationship I am currently in right now is the longest I’ve ever had. Ask my girl friends, they know. They can hardly believe that I actually went this far without getting so fed up. Honestly, it’s by far the happiest relationship I’ve ever been. That’s why I can’t imagine it ending. I can’t imagine waking up the next day realizing it’s all over. Anyways, my relationship started unexpectedly. You know, he’s just the guy I have a huge crush on and apparently, I tend to do the first move. So, I started flirting. I didn’t really thought it would last this long. I didn’t expect for it to become one of the serious one. I thought it was just that “caught in the moment” kind of thing. I didn’t even see myself with him in four months. But only after a couple of weeks, I started to fall for him (too soon? I think so- but hey it turned out good) four months later we were officially a couple. We were in love. We could say the stupidest things and still think it’s cute. I guess that’s what being in love does to you.

Being in an unexpected relationship is nice. At least to me. Why? Because you really don’t know what’s going to happen. It’s sort of like “just winging it” but at the same time you also care about what’s going to happen so you take care of it… If you ask me, it’s the kind of relationship you want to hold onto, it’s the kind of relationship you want to keep, it’s the kind of relationship you want to make sacrifices for cause it’s unexpectedly worth it. You may go through a lot of pain together but if you truly care about each other, it’ll work your way back. As much as you want it to end, as much as you want to cut the pain short; it’s hard to let go of something you really care about. I know “if you love someone set them free” but there are just times where you don’t have to let go, you don’t have to give up. Sometimes, we just got to believe in what we feel and fight for it. Cause unexpected things happen for a reason… remember where and how you started and try to think about that before doing something you’ll regret forever. Relationships are the hardest thing to keep up with… but hey despite all the pain and sacrifices you’re going through or you’ve been through, you can’t possibly deny that there are moments where you are happy and moments you wish that didn’t end. Because being in love brings all the emotion out of you. It’s what makes you the person you are right now.

My Hearts Devotion

What is love? To me, it’s when you feel like you can’t describe how you feel, it’s when you ran out of words to use, it’s when you realize that being happy and being sad can be felt at the same time, it’s when you get butterflies and at the same time nervous when you’re about to see that one person you care so much about. Everything is indescribable. When two people are in love, everything gets so complicated. Why? Because sometimes, you want to hate them so much but deep inside you know you can’t because you have fallen for them, you have learned to love their flaws and imperfections. Sometimes, loving them hurts. But you can’t help it. You let it go because you’re “in love”.

Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin. I have been writing about my love life and slightly hoping someone would understand how I feel. Hoping for someone to agree with me and has the same experience as I am. I know it can get tiring but hey… it’s a blog.

Anyways, for the past couple of days all I could think of is how complicated I feel. It’s almost like all I want to do is sleep and wake up when all the complications are over. But seriously, why am I feeling this way… I have everything I ever wanted (not quite). Things are finally (slightly) getting better. Maybe a little turn overs here and there. But he finally asked me to see him again after that fight we’ve had. So, what am I sad about? Why do I feel heart-broken? Why do I feel like something is missing? Well, deep inside, I know why! See, deep inside I know he loves me. When I ask him if he loves me he says “yes” and when I ask how much he says “so much” but why am I feeling like this? Honestly, I think I know. I’m just denying it. I wish I could just accept it. But I can’t. I need him to actually say it to me. I want him to tell me that he loves and miss me. Even though I already know that he does. I think it’s just different when you actually hear them say those words. See, I can be needy. But not too needy. He knows what I want to hear and he knows I know how he feel. But why can’t he just say it? I’m afraid that if he doesn’t; he might just stop feeling the way he is feeling. I’m afraid that the reason why he’s not saying it is because he doesn’t want to love me anymore.

Sometimes, the things we already know isn’t enough. We need some type of reassurance just so we don’t get led on. I NEED some reassurance. I want to know if I’m still right about thinking that he loves me. I don’t want to keep telling myself that he does but really he doesn’t.

I guess, being afraid is normal (more like paranoid). I guess, being afraid doesn’t mean you’re weak. I guess it means that you are afraid of hurting yourself, for making yourself believe into something that’s not there. There are times where it is wrong to keep on pretending just to be okay. What I have realized is that; it is okay to be afraid… it is okay to be weak once in a while. It is okay to fall apart. It is okay to feel confused about something. Why? Because what can I say… we’re just humans. We have to allow ourselves to feel like these once in a while. It’s what made us to be the person we are right now. It’s not wrong. Some people won’t understand. But who cares? If you understand, then that’s the only thing that matters. Some people will judge you for being afraid and being weak..but don’t let it affect you. Their time will come. Maybe not today, but soon. Why do I know this? because I used to be the kind of person who doesn’t get afraid. But now… I have become the kind of person who is afraid and confused. I have become the person who needs reassurance to keep my heart safe and unbroken.

It’s really not the people that change. It’s the time and experience that changes people.

The Power of Apologies

It’s sad how some people forgets the one word that could possibly make things better cause of pride. I don’t know if they really forget or they chose not to say it. I admit, admitting that you are wrong can be very difficult. But sometimes, taking responsibilities to your actions could make things a little easy. Over using pride is a relationship-breaker. It takes more than strong emotions to handle a relationship. Why? Because it takes a lot of courage for a person to control their pride to be able to compromise.

Being in a relationship is hard (like I’ve said). There are a lot of times where you just want to give up and feel hopeless. There are times where you want to keep on fighting, there are times where it gets so complicated, where it gets hard, where it comes easy and fun and etc. Relationship is a very high maintenance thing to keep. If you got no time and effort to make it work, then it will never work.

We have this idea in our heads that being in a relationship SHOULD be perfect. No! No one and nothing is perfect. Being able to understand each other’s imperfection is an enough foundation to keep on holding on. But sometimes, pride gets in the way. You want to understand but a part of you doesn’t want to and that’s when relationship falls.

When you are that person holding on to a relationship and you suddenly lose all the hope you’ve got; sometimes, all it takes to restore that hope is hearing an apology from your better half. Having them admit and take responsibilities for the things they did is a huge step to compromising. ONE WORD “SORRY” is all it takes (sometimes). One is given the power to apologize but it doesn’t give one the power to keep on using it. Apologizing is a big thing… don’t say it if you don’t mean it. DON’T say it just to get out of something. Cause sometimes, an apology can mean running away from the problem instead of facing it.

A person can forgive but never forget. If you plan on doing the same mistakes over and over and over again, don’t expect for that person to forgive you. Maybe they will. But it will take more time than it was before. Because sometimes, accepting an apology hurts too.

It’s Always Me

Most people take down their pride for someone they love. When it comes to being in a relationship, sometimes, you forget about taking care of yourself because you are such into the idea that “you’d do anything for that person” even though it hurts you. You take on the mistakes you didn’t commit, you apologize for something you didn’t do, you become a new person FOR that person without even thinking… “what the hell would they do for me?” It’s just that most people take us for granted and for the reason that you love that person, you somehow allow them to.

It’s always me… I’m always the patient one, I’m the one that doesn’t have the pride, I’m the understanding one, I’m always the one. I apologize for something I didn’t do, I take responsibility for something he doesn’t like. I’m NOT ENOUGH. Which hurts. Because I know that no matter how much he treats me… I’m always going to be there for him… ALWAYS! No matter how obvious it is that he’s taking me for granted, no matter how much he hurts me… I know I’ll always stay. For some reasons, I can’t find my limit for him. I wish I understand what it is with him that I can’t seem to let go. It’s so unfair cause he’s so okay without me and I’m miserable. Like, what in the hell did I do to deserve this. All the crap he has put me through is hurting me so bad and stupid me, I still stay.

I have nothing to fight for anymore. This time, I am broken and I have fallen. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is a sign of giving up, but whatever it is, it hurts and I want it to go away. I wish I could love myself as much as I love him. Cause right now, I have nothing left for myself. He walked away and he left me with nothing and everyday, it hurts me more and more.

Complicate the Complicated

Sometimes, we got to let go of the things that hurts the most just to see if it gets better when it comes back. How can I let go if I don’t even know what I’m holding on to anymore. Instead of things getting better, it gets complicated instead. I have been trying the best I can to do whatever it takes to make this complication go away. But I guess, I can’t fix everything in one snap. Although, it has been almost a month and the more I try to go as slow as I can, it just seem like I’m pushing it away.

I never believed in soulmates. NEVER. I think it’s lame and pathetic. Until one day, I met a guy. I never thought of him as my soulmate. I just thought of him as a guy that changed and gave meaning to my life. I just thought of him as my better half. The person that could make me happy. The person I want to spend my entire life with. Yeah maybe that is the definition of soulamtes; but I never looked at him that way. But as our relationship goes by day by day; I realized things have changed from the moment we met each other to now. The first time we met, things were different. We don’t talk on the phone, we don’t text as much, we don’t see each other that much… things were just different. Now, we talk every night on the phone, we text every minute of everyday, we see each other as much as we can. Even when I AM SICK.. NOT FEEL SICK BUT ACTUALLY really sick, when I ask him to call or come over, he makes it literally better. It seems like the sickness I felt didn’t happen. Maybe that’s what we call “love sick” I don’t know. It’s like the way we connect to each other is a whole new level.

No matter how much we fight, no matter how big or small the problem is we manage to resolve things together. Couple of nights ago was the first night I talked to him over the phone in a month. Our communication that night wasn’t the same as the one we’ve had before. We talked about random things and I suddenly asked him; “how are we? Are we okay?” and he said; “no” with no hesitation. Then I asked “are we going to be okay?” and he said; “oh… idk,” and his answer broke me to pieces. I was silent for a few minutes and he asked if I was still there and I was hesitant. So, instead of saying “yes” I asked; “do you still love me?” thinking his answer would be no. But without hesitation he said “yeah I do.” His answer made me feel a little better but I was still confused with what is going on. But instead making things more complicated, I went with his answer and dropped everything. He loves me… That’s all that matters. Before we hung up the phone I asked him again if he loves me and he said yes and this time I asked “how much?” and he said “so much”

Now, at least I know what he feels about me. Maybe he’s not ready to talk about things just yet. But right now to me, what matters is that he loves me. Maybe things aren’t meant to be fixed right now. But I am deeply hoping that someday it will. Cause as of right now, I have no idea what I would do without him by my side. Maybe he is my soulmate after all.