What is love? To me, it’s when you feel like you can’t describe how you feel, it’s when you ran out of words to use, it’s when you realize that being happy and being sad can be felt at the same time, it’s when you get butterflies and at the same time nervous when you’re about to see that one person you care so much about. Everything is indescribable. When two people are in love, everything gets so complicated. Why? Because sometimes, you want to hate them so much but deep inside you know you can’t because you have fallen for them, you have learned to love their flaws and imperfections. Sometimes, loving them hurts. But you can’t help it. You let it go because you’re “in love”.
Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin. I have been writing about my love life and slightly hoping someone would understand how I feel. Hoping for someone to agree with me and has the same experience as I am. I know it can get tiring but hey… it’s a blog.
Anyways, for the past couple of days all I could think of is how complicated I feel. It’s almost like all I want to do is sleep and wake up when all the complications are over. But seriously, why am I feeling this way… I have everything I ever wanted (not quite). Things are finally (slightly) getting better. Maybe a little turn overs here and there. But he finally asked me to see him again after that fight we’ve had. So, what am I sad about? Why do I feel heart-broken? Why do I feel like something is missing? Well, deep inside, I know why! See, deep inside I know he loves me. When I ask him if he loves me he says “yes” and when I ask how much he says “so much” but why am I feeling like this? Honestly, I think I know. I’m just denying it. I wish I could just accept it. But I can’t. I need him to actually say it to me. I want him to tell me that he loves and miss me. Even though I already know that he does. I think it’s just different when you actually hear them say those words. See, I can be needy. But not too needy. He knows what I want to hear and he knows I know how he feel. But why can’t he just say it? I’m afraid that if he doesn’t; he might just stop feeling the way he is feeling. I’m afraid that the reason why he’s not saying it is because he doesn’t want to love me anymore.
Sometimes, the things we already know isn’t enough. We need some type of reassurance just so we don’t get led on. I NEED some reassurance. I want to know if I’m still right about thinking that he loves me. I don’t want to keep telling myself that he does but really he doesn’t.
I guess, being afraid is normal (more like paranoid). I guess, being afraid doesn’t mean you’re weak. I guess it means that you are afraid of hurting yourself, for making yourself believe into something that’s not there. There are times where it is wrong to keep on pretending just to be okay. What I have realized is that; it is okay to be afraid… it is okay to be weak once in a while. It is okay to fall apart. It is okay to feel confused about something. Why? Because what can I say… we’re just humans. We have to allow ourselves to feel like these once in a while. It’s what made us to be the person we are right now. It’s not wrong. Some people won’t understand. But who cares? If you understand, then that’s the only thing that matters. Some people will judge you for being afraid and being weak..but don’t let it affect you. Their time will come. Maybe not today, but soon. Why do I know this? because I used to be the kind of person who doesn’t get afraid. But now… I have become the kind of person who is afraid and confused. I have become the person who needs reassurance to keep my heart safe and unbroken.
It’s really not the people that change. It’s the time and experience that changes people.