My Hearts Devotion

What is love? To me, it’s when you feel like you can’t describe how you feel, it’s when you ran out of words to use, it’s when you realize that being happy and being sad can be felt at the same time, it’s when you get butterflies and at the same time nervous when you’re about to see that one person you care so much about. Everything is indescribable. When two people are in love, everything gets so complicated. Why? Because sometimes, you want to hate them so much but deep inside you know you can’t because you have fallen for them, you have learned to love their flaws and imperfections. Sometimes, loving them hurts. But you can’t help it. You let it go because you’re “in love”.

Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin. I have been writing about my love life and slightly hoping someone would understand how I feel. Hoping for someone to agree with me and has the same experience as I am. I know it can get tiring but hey… it’s a blog.

Anyways, for the past couple of days all I could think of is how complicated I feel. It’s almost like all I want to do is sleep and wake up when all the complications are over. But seriously, why am I feeling this way… I have everything I ever wanted (not quite). Things are finally (slightly) getting better. Maybe a little turn overs here and there. But he finally asked me to see him again after that fight we’ve had. So, what am I sad about? Why do I feel heart-broken? Why do I feel like something is missing? Well, deep inside, I know why! See, deep inside I know he loves me. When I ask him if he loves me he says “yes” and when I ask how much he says “so much” but why am I feeling like this? Honestly, I think I know. I’m just denying it. I wish I could just accept it. But I can’t. I need him to actually say it to me. I want him to tell me that he loves and miss me. Even though I already know that he does. I think it’s just different when you actually hear them say those words. See, I can be needy. But not too needy. He knows what I want to hear and he knows I know how he feel. But why can’t he just say it? I’m afraid that if he doesn’t; he might just stop feeling the way he is feeling. I’m afraid that the reason why he’s not saying it is because he doesn’t want to love me anymore.

Sometimes, the things we already know isn’t enough. We need some type of reassurance just so we don’t get led on. I NEED some reassurance. I want to know if I’m still right about thinking that he loves me. I don’t want to keep telling myself that he does but really he doesn’t.

I guess, being afraid is normal (more like paranoid). I guess, being afraid doesn’t mean you’re weak. I guess it means that you are afraid of hurting yourself, for making yourself believe into something that’s not there. There are times where it is wrong to keep on pretending just to be okay. What I have realized is that; it is okay to be afraid… it is okay to be weak once in a while. It is okay to fall apart. It is okay to feel confused about something. Why? Because what can I say… we’re just humans. We have to allow ourselves to feel like these once in a while. It’s what made us to be the person we are right now. It’s not wrong. Some people won’t understand. But who cares? If you understand, then that’s the only thing that matters. Some people will judge you for being afraid and being weak..but don’t let it affect you. Their time will come. Maybe not today, but soon. Why do I know this? because I used to be the kind of person who doesn’t get afraid. But now… I have become the kind of person who is afraid and confused. I have become the person who needs reassurance to keep my heart safe and unbroken.

It’s really not the people that change. It’s the time and experience that changes people.

The Power of Apologies

It’s sad how some people forgets the one word that could possibly make things better cause of pride. I don’t know if they really forget or they chose not to say it. I admit, admitting that you are wrong can be very difficult. But sometimes, taking responsibilities to your actions could make things a little easy. Over using pride is a relationship-breaker. It takes more than strong emotions to handle a relationship. Why? Because it takes a lot of courage for a person to control their pride to be able to compromise.

Being in a relationship is hard (like I’ve said). There are a lot of times where you just want to give up and feel hopeless. There are times where you want to keep on fighting, there are times where it gets so complicated, where it gets hard, where it comes easy and fun and etc. Relationship is a very high maintenance thing to keep. If you got no time and effort to make it work, then it will never work.

We have this idea in our heads that being in a relationship SHOULD be perfect. No! No one and nothing is perfect. Being able to understand each other’s imperfection is an enough foundation to keep on holding on. But sometimes, pride gets in the way. You want to understand but a part of you doesn’t want to and that’s when relationship falls.

When you are that person holding on to a relationship and you suddenly lose all the hope you’ve got; sometimes, all it takes to restore that hope is hearing an apology from your better half. Having them admit and take responsibilities for the things they did is a huge step to compromising. ONE WORD “SORRY” is all it takes (sometimes). One is given the power to apologize but it doesn’t give one the power to keep on using it. Apologizing is a big thing… don’t say it if you don’t mean it. DON’T say it just to get out of something. Cause sometimes, an apology can mean running away from the problem instead of facing it.

A person can forgive but never forget. If you plan on doing the same mistakes over and over and over again, don’t expect for that person to forgive you. Maybe they will. But it will take more time than it was before. Because sometimes, accepting an apology hurts too.

It’s Always Me

Most people take down their pride for someone they love. When it comes to being in a relationship, sometimes, you forget about taking care of yourself because you are such into the idea that “you’d do anything for that person” even though it hurts you. You take on the mistakes you didn’t commit, you apologize for something you didn’t do, you become a new person FOR that person without even thinking… “what the hell would they do for me?” It’s just that most people take us for granted and for the reason that you love that person, you somehow allow them to.

It’s always me… I’m always the patient one, I’m the one that doesn’t have the pride, I’m the understanding one, I’m always the one. I apologize for something I didn’t do, I take responsibility for something he doesn’t like. I’m NOT ENOUGH. Which hurts. Because I know that no matter how much he treats me… I’m always going to be there for him… ALWAYS! No matter how obvious it is that he’s taking me for granted, no matter how much he hurts me… I know I’ll always stay. For some reasons, I can’t find my limit for him. I wish I understand what it is with him that I can’t seem to let go. It’s so unfair cause he’s so okay without me and I’m miserable. Like, what in the hell did I do to deserve this. All the crap he has put me through is hurting me so bad and stupid me, I still stay.

I have nothing to fight for anymore. This time, I am broken and I have fallen. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is a sign of giving up, but whatever it is, it hurts and I want it to go away. I wish I could love myself as much as I love him. Cause right now, I have nothing left for myself. He walked away and he left me with nothing and everyday, it hurts me more and more.

Complicate the Complicated

Sometimes, we got to let go of the things that hurts the most just to see if it gets better when it comes back. How can I let go if I don’t even know what I’m holding on to anymore. Instead of things getting better, it gets complicated instead. I have been trying the best I can to do whatever it takes to make this complication go away. But I guess, I can’t fix everything in one snap. Although, it has been almost a month and the more I try to go as slow as I can, it just seem like I’m pushing it away.

I never believed in soulmates. NEVER. I think it’s lame and pathetic. Until one day, I met a guy. I never thought of him as my soulmate. I just thought of him as a guy that changed and gave meaning to my life. I just thought of him as my better half. The person that could make me happy. The person I want to spend my entire life with. Yeah maybe that is the definition of soulamtes; but I never looked at him that way. But as our relationship goes by day by day; I realized things have changed from the moment we met each other to now. The first time we met, things were different. We don’t talk on the phone, we don’t text as much, we don’t see each other that much… things were just different. Now, we talk every night on the phone, we text every minute of everyday, we see each other as much as we can. Even when I AM SICK.. NOT FEEL SICK BUT ACTUALLY really sick, when I ask him to call or come over, he makes it literally better. It seems like the sickness I felt didn’t happen. Maybe that’s what we call “love sick” I don’t know. It’s like the way we connect to each other is a whole new level.

No matter how much we fight, no matter how big or small the problem is we manage to resolve things together. Couple of nights ago was the first night I talked to him over the phone in a month. Our communication that night wasn’t the same as the one we’ve had before. We talked about random things and I suddenly asked him; “how are we? Are we okay?” and he said; “no” with no hesitation. Then I asked “are we going to be okay?” and he said; “oh… idk,” and his answer broke me to pieces. I was silent for a few minutes and he asked if I was still there and I was hesitant. So, instead of saying “yes” I asked; “do you still love me?” thinking his answer would be no. But without hesitation he said “yeah I do.” His answer made me feel a little better but I was still confused with what is going on. But instead making things more complicated, I went with his answer and dropped everything. He loves me… That’s all that matters. Before we hung up the phone I asked him again if he loves me and he said yes and this time I asked “how much?” and he said “so much”

Now, at least I know what he feels about me. Maybe he’s not ready to talk about things just yet. But right now to me, what matters is that he loves me. Maybe things aren’t meant to be fixed right now. But I am deeply hoping that someday it will. Cause as of right now, I have no idea what I would do without him by my side. Maybe he is my soulmate after all.

Confusions and Disasters

Letting go is the hardest thing anyone could ever do. To some, it’s easy to let go of the person but not the memories… But to me, it’s to both. There is no easy way to explain how hard it is to let go. Remembering all the memories… wishing and hoping all it is – is a dream that could go on forever. Looking back at the hard times that is carry through together.. wishing it is one of those things that could be again manage through time. Because sometimes, looking back on how far you’ve come along is worth the sacrifice than just easily letting go.

I have been thinking for days… “What should I do to be the best?” Unfortunately, I got no answer. Cause deeply I know I can never be good enough for him or I could never be the best for him. All I ever want to do is to make him happy… to see him happy. I have thought about so many things I could do. But one thing stayed with me. LET GO. Apparently, that’s the solution to my increasing problem. If I want to see him happy, I got to let him go… If I want to make him happy, I got to let him go. It’s really not something I would want to do, but it is something he would want from me. I really don’t know how to let go. What should I do? What should I say? The more I think about it, the harder it gets for me. As time continues to tick, I realized that it’s the best thing I could possibly give him. But am I ready? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Contemplating to whether I should hang on or let go isn’t getting any easier. He’s all I have. He’s all I want. Despite everything we’ve been through together, he’s always there for me. What confuses me is that even when we’re not in best of terms, he still manages to care about me and this is not making things any easier.

I asked him if he still loves me and he says “yeah” then the next day I asked the same thing and he says something like “eh..” I don’t know what to think about and I don’t know what to believe in. I think right now the best thing I could do is to believe in my heart… believe in the connection we have for each other. But sometimes, that’s just not enough. I can’t convince myself to believe in something that might not happen cause I’ll be hurting in the end. None of these makes sense. Even this blog doesn’t make sense.

I am more confused than ever. I don’t know what I should do. A part of me keeps saying; “Come on now, it’s you and him. You two always work it out,” and the other part says; “maybe this time, you have to let go.” I don’t know which part to listen to because everyday I change my mind, everyday it gets confusing, everyday I die a little inside because I have no idea what I am doing. Sometimes, all I want to do is lay in bed and wake up when everything is okay. But apparently, that’s how reality works… when you have it the easy way, it’ll always find you the hard way… It’s not going to stop till you survive and if you do, it’s only the beginning.

Winter Storm

I honestly do not know how I’m keeping myself together. I thought it’s supposed to get easy, but it’s not. Things are getting more complicated and things are getting harder. Everyday I hope it’s a better day, but it isn’t. Everyday, I ask myself; “How am I doing?” instead of saying; “I’m okay,” I start crying. I keep lying to myself that I can do it. But I can’t and it’s only the matter of time till I finally break.

I thought I was strong enough to fake a smile, I thought I was brave enough to think that things are going to work out. But the more I think about it, the pain I feel inside just grows. I’m so afraid. I’m so afraid of saying it out loud that “it’s over” cause maybe if I don’t; it won’t be. I’ve been denying things and I don’t know how long I can keep up with it. I want to cry and let all my emotions take over me, but every time I try it seems like I have no reason to cry, it seems like I have no reason to be sad about… but there is. I have a reason to be sad, I have a reason to cry, I have a reason to be in pain but it’s too complicated for me to feel them right now. I don’t even know what I am confused about.

For the past couple of days I have been reminiscing all the memories and suddenly it hit me… what if all there is left is just reminiscing… what if all there is are just memories. WHAT IF? I’m trapped with all the “what ifs” and the more I think about it the more it hurts. It’s like a cold air that hurts every time it touches. It’s like I’m trapped in my own nightmare and I don’t know how to get out of it. I want to wake up but I can’t. But apparently it’s not a nightmare… it’s reality. I can’t run away from it, I can’t hide from it. All I could do is face the consequences and wait for the silver lining to save me. But how long is this going to last? because seconds feels like minutes, minutes feels like hours, hours feels like days, days feels like weeks and weeks feels like years and it’s slowly killing me inside… I am supposed to be smart. But why am I not smart when it comes to this? I guess, I don’t have the answer to all the questions. I know things will get better, but right now it seems like it won’t get any better. I want to give up but there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to. There’s a strong part of me that wants to keep on holding on. I don’t want to let go but I can’t keep on holding on. Cause eventually, I’m going to fall and I have no one to catch me.