My Hearts Devotion

What is love? To me, it’s when you feel like you can’t describe how you feel, it’s when you ran out of words to use, it’s when you realize that being happy and being sad can be felt at the same time, it’s when you get butterflies and at the same time nervous when you’re about to see that one person you care so much about. Everything is indescribable. When two people are in love, everything gets so complicated. Why? Because sometimes, you want to hate them so much but deep inside you know you can’t because you have fallen for them, you have learned to love their flaws and imperfections. Sometimes, loving them hurts. But you can’t help it. You let it go because you’re “in love”.

Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin. I have been writing about my love life and slightly hoping someone would understand how I feel. Hoping for someone to agree with me and has the same experience as I am. I know it can get tiring but hey… it’s a blog.

Anyways, for the past couple of days all I could think of is how complicated I feel. It’s almost like all I want to do is sleep and wake up when all the complications are over. But seriously, why am I feeling this way… I have everything I ever wanted (not quite). Things are finally (slightly) getting better. Maybe a little turn overs here and there. But he finally asked me to see him again after that fight we’ve had. So, what am I sad about? Why do I feel heart-broken? Why do I feel like something is missing? Well, deep inside, I know why! See, deep inside I know he loves me. When I ask him if he loves me he says “yes” and when I ask how much he says “so much” but why am I feeling like this? Honestly, I think I know. I’m just denying it. I wish I could just accept it. But I can’t. I need him to actually say it to me. I want him to tell me that he loves and miss me. Even though I already know that he does. I think it’s just different when you actually hear them say those words. See, I can be needy. But not too needy. He knows what I want to hear and he knows I know how he feel. But why can’t he just say it? I’m afraid that if he doesn’t; he might just stop feeling the way he is feeling. I’m afraid that the reason why he’s not saying it is because he doesn’t want to love me anymore.

Sometimes, the things we already know isn’t enough. We need some type of reassurance just so we don’t get led on. I NEED some reassurance. I want to know if I’m still right about thinking that he loves me. I don’t want to keep telling myself that he does but really he doesn’t.

I guess, being afraid is normal (more like paranoid). I guess, being afraid doesn’t mean you’re weak. I guess it means that you are afraid of hurting yourself, for making yourself believe into something that’s not there. There are times where it is wrong to keep on pretending just to be okay. What I have realized is that; it is okay to be afraid… it is okay to be weak once in a while. It is okay to fall apart. It is okay to feel confused about something. Why? Because what can I say… we’re just humans. We have to allow ourselves to feel like these once in a while. It’s what made us to be the person we are right now. It’s not wrong. Some people won’t understand. But who cares? If you understand, then that’s the only thing that matters. Some people will judge you for being afraid and being weak..but don’t let it affect you. Their time will come. Maybe not today, but soon. Why do I know this? because I used to be the kind of person who doesn’t get afraid. But now… I have become the kind of person who is afraid and confused. I have become the person who needs reassurance to keep my heart safe and unbroken.

It’s really not the people that change. It’s the time and experience that changes people.

The Power of Apologies

It’s sad how some people forgets the one word that could possibly make things better cause of pride. I don’t know if they really forget or they chose not to say it. I admit, admitting that you are wrong can be very difficult. But sometimes, taking responsibilities to your actions could make things a little easy. Over using pride is a relationship-breaker. It takes more than strong emotions to handle a relationship. Why? Because it takes a lot of courage for a person to control their pride to be able to compromise.

Being in a relationship is hard (like I’ve said). There are a lot of times where you just want to give up and feel hopeless. There are times where you want to keep on fighting, there are times where it gets so complicated, where it gets hard, where it comes easy and fun and etc. Relationship is a very high maintenance thing to keep. If you got no time and effort to make it work, then it will never work.

We have this idea in our heads that being in a relationship SHOULD be perfect. No! No one and nothing is perfect. Being able to understand each other’s imperfection is an enough foundation to keep on holding on. But sometimes, pride gets in the way. You want to understand but a part of you doesn’t want to and that’s when relationship falls.

When you are that person holding on to a relationship and you suddenly lose all the hope you’ve got; sometimes, all it takes to restore that hope is hearing an apology from your better half. Having them admit and take responsibilities for the things they did is a huge step to compromising. ONE WORD “SORRY” is all it takes (sometimes). One is given the power to apologize but it doesn’t give one the power to keep on using it. Apologizing is a big thing… don’t say it if you don’t mean it. DON’T say it just to get out of something. Cause sometimes, an apology can mean running away from the problem instead of facing it.

A person can forgive but never forget. If you plan on doing the same mistakes over and over and over again, don’t expect for that person to forgive you. Maybe they will. But it will take more time than it was before. Because sometimes, accepting an apology hurts too.

It’s Always Me

Most people take down their pride for someone they love. When it comes to being in a relationship, sometimes, you forget about taking care of yourself because you are such into the idea that “you’d do anything for that person” even though it hurts you. You take on the mistakes you didn’t commit, you apologize for something you didn’t do, you become a new person FOR that person without even thinking… “what the hell would they do for me?” It’s just that most people take us for granted and for the reason that you love that person, you somehow allow them to.

It’s always me… I’m always the patient one, I’m the one that doesn’t have the pride, I’m the understanding one, I’m always the one. I apologize for something I didn’t do, I take responsibility for something he doesn’t like. I’m NOT ENOUGH. Which hurts. Because I know that no matter how much he treats me… I’m always going to be there for him… ALWAYS! No matter how obvious it is that he’s taking me for granted, no matter how much he hurts me… I know I’ll always stay. For some reasons, I can’t find my limit for him. I wish I understand what it is with him that I can’t seem to let go. It’s so unfair cause he’s so okay without me and I’m miserable. Like, what in the hell did I do to deserve this. All the crap he has put me through is hurting me so bad and stupid me, I still stay.

I have nothing to fight for anymore. This time, I am broken and I have fallen. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is a sign of giving up, but whatever it is, it hurts and I want it to go away. I wish I could love myself as much as I love him. Cause right now, I have nothing left for myself. He walked away and he left me with nothing and everyday, it hurts me more and more.

Complicate the Complicated

Sometimes, we got to let go of the things that hurts the most just to see if it gets better when it comes back. How can I let go if I don’t even know what I’m holding on to anymore. Instead of things getting better, it gets complicated instead. I have been trying the best I can to do whatever it takes to make this complication go away. But I guess, I can’t fix everything in one snap. Although, it has been almost a month and the more I try to go as slow as I can, it just seem like I’m pushing it away.

I never believed in soulmates. NEVER. I think it’s lame and pathetic. Until one day, I met a guy. I never thought of him as my soulmate. I just thought of him as a guy that changed and gave meaning to my life. I just thought of him as my better half. The person that could make me happy. The person I want to spend my entire life with. Yeah maybe that is the definition of soulamtes; but I never looked at him that way. But as our relationship goes by day by day; I realized things have changed from the moment we met each other to now. The first time we met, things were different. We don’t talk on the phone, we don’t text as much, we don’t see each other that much… things were just different. Now, we talk every night on the phone, we text every minute of everyday, we see each other as much as we can. Even when I AM SICK.. NOT FEEL SICK BUT ACTUALLY really sick, when I ask him to call or come over, he makes it literally better. It seems like the sickness I felt didn’t happen. Maybe that’s what we call “love sick” I don’t know. It’s like the way we connect to each other is a whole new level.

No matter how much we fight, no matter how big or small the problem is we manage to resolve things together. Couple of nights ago was the first night I talked to him over the phone in a month. Our communication that night wasn’t the same as the one we’ve had before. We talked about random things and I suddenly asked him; “how are we? Are we okay?” and he said; “no” with no hesitation. Then I asked “are we going to be okay?” and he said; “oh… idk,” and his answer broke me to pieces. I was silent for a few minutes and he asked if I was still there and I was hesitant. So, instead of saying “yes” I asked; “do you still love me?” thinking his answer would be no. But without hesitation he said “yeah I do.” His answer made me feel a little better but I was still confused with what is going on. But instead making things more complicated, I went with his answer and dropped everything. He loves me… That’s all that matters. Before we hung up the phone I asked him again if he loves me and he said yes and this time I asked “how much?” and he said “so much”

Now, at least I know what he feels about me. Maybe he’s not ready to talk about things just yet. But right now to me, what matters is that he loves me. Maybe things aren’t meant to be fixed right now. But I am deeply hoping that someday it will. Cause as of right now, I have no idea what I would do without him by my side. Maybe he is my soulmate after all.

Confusions and Disasters

Letting go is the hardest thing anyone could ever do. To some, it’s easy to let go of the person but not the memories… But to me, it’s to both. There is no easy way to explain how hard it is to let go. Remembering all the memories… wishing and hoping all it is – is a dream that could go on forever. Looking back at the hard times that is carry through together.. wishing it is one of those things that could be again manage through time. Because sometimes, looking back on how far you’ve come along is worth the sacrifice than just easily letting go.

I have been thinking for days… “What should I do to be the best?” Unfortunately, I got no answer. Cause deeply I know I can never be good enough for him or I could never be the best for him. All I ever want to do is to make him happy… to see him happy. I have thought about so many things I could do. But one thing stayed with me. LET GO. Apparently, that’s the solution to my increasing problem. If I want to see him happy, I got to let him go… If I want to make him happy, I got to let him go. It’s really not something I would want to do, but it is something he would want from me. I really don’t know how to let go. What should I do? What should I say? The more I think about it, the harder it gets for me. As time continues to tick, I realized that it’s the best thing I could possibly give him. But am I ready? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Contemplating to whether I should hang on or let go isn’t getting any easier. He’s all I have. He’s all I want. Despite everything we’ve been through together, he’s always there for me. What confuses me is that even when we’re not in best of terms, he still manages to care about me and this is not making things any easier.

I asked him if he still loves me and he says “yeah” then the next day I asked the same thing and he says something like “eh..” I don’t know what to think about and I don’t know what to believe in. I think right now the best thing I could do is to believe in my heart… believe in the connection we have for each other. But sometimes, that’s just not enough. I can’t convince myself to believe in something that might not happen cause I’ll be hurting in the end. None of these makes sense. Even this blog doesn’t make sense.

I am more confused than ever. I don’t know what I should do. A part of me keeps saying; “Come on now, it’s you and him. You two always work it out,” and the other part says; “maybe this time, you have to let go.” I don’t know which part to listen to because everyday I change my mind, everyday it gets confusing, everyday I die a little inside because I have no idea what I am doing. Sometimes, all I want to do is lay in bed and wake up when everything is okay. But apparently, that’s how reality works… when you have it the easy way, it’ll always find you the hard way… It’s not going to stop till you survive and if you do, it’s only the beginning.

Winter Storm

I honestly do not know how I’m keeping myself together. I thought it’s supposed to get easy, but it’s not. Things are getting more complicated and things are getting harder. Everyday I hope it’s a better day, but it isn’t. Everyday, I ask myself; “How am I doing?” instead of saying; “I’m okay,” I start crying. I keep lying to myself that I can do it. But I can’t and it’s only the matter of time till I finally break.

I thought I was strong enough to fake a smile, I thought I was brave enough to think that things are going to work out. But the more I think about it, the pain I feel inside just grows. I’m so afraid. I’m so afraid of saying it out loud that “it’s over” cause maybe if I don’t; it won’t be. I’ve been denying things and I don’t know how long I can keep up with it. I want to cry and let all my emotions take over me, but every time I try it seems like I have no reason to cry, it seems like I have no reason to be sad about… but there is. I have a reason to be sad, I have a reason to cry, I have a reason to be in pain but it’s too complicated for me to feel them right now. I don’t even know what I am confused about.

For the past couple of days I have been reminiscing all the memories and suddenly it hit me… what if all there is left is just reminiscing… what if all there is are just memories. WHAT IF? I’m trapped with all the “what ifs” and the more I think about it the more it hurts. It’s like a cold air that hurts every time it touches. It’s like I’m trapped in my own nightmare and I don’t know how to get out of it. I want to wake up but I can’t. But apparently it’s not a nightmare… it’s reality. I can’t run away from it, I can’t hide from it. All I could do is face the consequences and wait for the silver lining to save me. But how long is this going to last? because seconds feels like minutes, minutes feels like hours, hours feels like days, days feels like weeks and weeks feels like years and it’s slowly killing me inside… I am supposed to be smart. But why am I not smart when it comes to this? I guess, I don’t have the answer to all the questions. I know things will get better, but right now it seems like it won’t get any better. I want to give up but there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to. There’s a strong part of me that wants to keep on holding on. I don’t want to let go but I can’t keep on holding on. Cause eventually, I’m going to fall and I have no one to catch me.

Dilemma

Sometimes, we get so confused about one thing we are so sure about. It gets confusing and we get stuck with the dilemma. Trying to solve it makes it even more confusing, worrying about it makes it even more depressing, forgetting about it feels like you’re running away and giving up on it make it seem like you’re a quitter.

I honestly don’t know what’s wrong, but I’m confused. Confused about everything. From minute to minute my feelings change. Hurt, sad, happy… wish I could figure it out. Last night I didn’t went to bed till 4:00 AM reminiscing… looking at pictures, remembering the memories… everything. The fun part about it was that I wasn’t alone. I was reminiscing all the moments I had before with the person I shared it with. To me, it seems like we had fun. I thought he liked it if you ask me. We even ended up falling asleep on each other… I didn’t expect for things to be okay right at that second. Although it had crossed my mind that it may have. But I guess I thought wrong. This morning, things weren’t as good. It seemed like last night didn’t even happen. That’s the confusing part… I was beginning to be more hopeful, but I was wrong. He’s still shutting me out and it hurts. It hurts because I can’t seem to give him what he wanted (to be free from me) it hurts because I thought things were different, I thought things are finally turning around, what hurts the most is that I was wrong. I was wrong and stupid for thinking that things were okay. Last night seemed like a dream. I wish it didn’t end or I wish it didn’t even happen. I’m stuck between so many things and I don’t know what to do about it. Should I let go? or should I keep waiting…

I really don’t know the answer to it. I also don’t know what to do. Somehow, I managed to seem fine about everything. But really, I’m dying. I die a little more. I want to know what I can do, I want to do something about it but I can’t. I wish I could just sleep through all these and wake up when it’s all over. Problems doesn’t solve itself, but sometimes, we just can’t fix our problems alone. Being stuck between different thoughts isn’t easy. It can either destroy you or make you stronger. Either way, there is always a silver lining along the way.

Complications

It’s 2:00 A.M and all I could think of is how hard things has been lately. My mood has been changing from time to time… Happy, sad, hurt, hopeful, doubtful, hopeless, in love, heart broken, angry, confused… My emotions are all over the place and I can’t think straight. See, relationships are complicated. No matter how hard a person tries to make it so easy to understand, it’s always going to be complicated. I mean, you might not be able to see how complicated it could be but ALL relationships are complicated. But being complicated isn’t about the arguments and misunderstandings; it’s also about how strongly you feel about each other.

Every relationship encounter mishaps. It’s so hard to imagine losing someone you care about the most in one blink of an eye. It’s even harder when you can’t explain yourself to them because they have shut you out. To me, you don’t have to explain how hard it is… because I know. I’ve been there… I am still there (I guess). That’s the complicated part. I don’t know where I stand. Not anymore. Not yet. I don’t know. I have heard the most hurtful things from him, I have shred buckets of tears, I have skipped so many meals; but here I am. Still trying to understand where I belong. Deep down, I know where I belong, deep down HE knows what I am to him. Sometimes, it’s just hard to keep assuming that I know where I stand without his reassurance. It’s complicated because we both know how we feel about each other but we are too hurt to admit it.

We disagree on so many things, we have hated each other for the stupidest things, we have fought about the littlest things and we have said the most hurtful words to each other but we NEVER tend to end things between us; instead we go through with it no matter how much we “hated” each other, no matter how much we despise each other and no matter how hard it could get between us. That’s the main complicated thing; I guess. It’s complicated because even though how much the other one hated the other, the way we love each other is stronger. It never got weaker but it got stronger. No one is willing to give up. We both are willing to wait for however long it would take for things to be back to the way it used to. I guess, giving up isn’t our thing.

Maybe we are meant to fight, maybe we are meant to claw each other’s eyes out, but I guess we are also meant to stay together. Because no matter how complicated things can get, neither one of us are willing to walk away. Even though one of us already said, “I’m done for good” neither of us gave up on each other. Picking the hard way isn’t always hard, it’ll take some time and some patience to make it work… but if you are willing to give the time, patience and a little sacrifice; it’s definitely worth it. Because complicated is like being in a roller coaster it goes up and it goes down. Don’t let complications get in the way, but instead go along with it… maybe it’s not a bad ride after all.

Let it Go

This entry is dedicated to: saranghaeyoshen

Love… what does it mean? To some people being in love is about two people crazy about each other. I couldn’t agree more. But some people are missing the point of it. It’s not only about two people crazy about each other, it’s also about how that person makes you feel about yourself, about what kind of a person are you when you’re with that person… physically or not.

Every relationship goes through hell and back. It’s normal. There is no perfect relationship. My girl friends always told me that I have to love myself before I can love someone else. I agree. But if you tell me things like “Oh, I learned how to love myself because of that person..” I couldn’t argue with you any further either. But if that person taught you how to love yourself, no matter how things turned out to the both of you; you have to remember the thing that person taught you… and that’s how to love yourself. In every relationships, you have to think about yourself at some point. You have to make decisions that may or may not possibly affect your relationship. I’m no love expert. All I know is that you’re allowed to make mistakes. But don’t let these mistakes get in the way of your relationship. Another thing I know is that if that person really cares/loves you, they’d do anything to support every decision you make. They aren’t going to hold you back. Because sometimes, letting go doesn’t always mean you’re giving them away… sometimes, letting go is just giving that person the happiness they deserve.

Being afraid doesn’t mean you’re weak. Sometimes, being afraid means you are looking after yourself. Letting go of someone you care about most because you are afraid that they’ll get “tired” of waiting might not be the best decision you’ve ever made, but you also have to understand that you did it for your own good, because you didn’t want to get hurt. Although, what you did isn’t really the best solution either… talking is. Before you make a decision you aren’t sure about you have to talk to that person. Don’t be afraid of telling that person what you feel. Because if that person truly cares about you, that person would respect every decision you make. Maybe things didn’t turn out the way you wanted them to be, but for two people that cares about each other, I know things will find its way back. It may take some time for that to happen, but it will. Just be in control of yourself. Don’t let ONE bad decision hold you back on things you should be doing, because if you hold yourself back, you wouldn’t know what you’re missing.

Thoughts and Tears

The worst part? is acting like things are doing great. But in reality… it isn’t. It hurts when you finally heard from someone you care the most after days of not hearing from them. Because they seem to be completely okay without you. The seconds felt like minutes, the minutes felt like hours and the days felt like years. Then one afternoon, you heard from them. Bittersweet but you heard from them. You get your hopes a little higher and your courage became a little stronger. You think, “It’s going to be okay! At least now, he’s talking to me,” you get a little giddy because finally his name appeared on your phone. You had a good night sleep after not sleeping for days, you had hope that you can talk about the things you messed up… then the next day… BOOM! You don’t hear from them again. Every little thing you build in that instant just fell apart. Another round of heartbreak, another pile of tears, another positive phrases to think about just to keep it together and another shattered thoughts.

I have ran out of tears to cry, I have ran out of hopes to hold on to, I have ran out of positive things to think about. Yet, I am still here. I am still hoping. Giving up on someone I love isn’t my strong suit. Loving someone means letting go, they say. To me, I can never love that person enough to let him go. I love him enough to fight for what we have even though it gets harder day by day. My friends has been yelling at me to get a grip because I have slowly become crazy about the situation… and I didn’t even know about it. I was so centered with the idea that I can make everything better. Because I know I can. I know I can make things better. It’s hard. It’s hard to deal with something I did on my own. It’s hard to focus on the things I should be doing to make things better if there is a part of me that screams “Just let it go,” or “Give him space,” because as much as I want to give him space, I know I can’t. It’s easy for everyone to say that things are going to get better because they’re not in my shoes. They never felt the happiness I felt when I was with him, they never felt a single thing he makes me feel. I can definitely live without him, but I CHOSE NOT TO. I chose to be miserable because I can be happier with him.

I feel cold and dead inside of me. But that moment I heard from him, it was like Spring season all over again… I was alive and warm inside. I felt a tad bit of happiness. I saw a light in the tunnel I was stuck on for days. But it seems like that light is going away. No matter how fast I run to catch up to it, it’s slowly disappearing and I’m afraid to be stuck in the dark for days again. But no matter how long it will take for me to find that light, I will never give up, because I know I saw the light once… and I will see it again.